If I Can't Be Yours
by Chibi Fenrir
Summary: Hell can be anywhere...
1. Soul Release

Now its time…I fear to tell…I've been holding it back so long… 

_But something strange deep inside of me is happening…I feel unlike I ever felt…_

_And its making me scared…_

_That I may not be what I think I am… _

Thanatos ~ If I Can't Be Yours 

"S…Shinji…please say something…please…"

The young girl held the boy as close as possible, and she cried.

For once she didn't have to act strong anymore, she didn't have to act superior, and she didn't have to pretend anymore…

Her torn plug suit left most of her body exposed the cold air that seemed to blow by every so often, but she was better of than Shinji…

The boy she held in her arms, who was probably already dead, had some of the worst injuries she ever seen, the arm broken at the elbow, the broken ribs, the cuts and bruises that were all over his body, and she didn't even want to look, much less think about what happened to his eye.

"…Shinji."

A breeze blew by causing the girl to shiver; she didn't take the time to think about shelter and she nearly forgot about food, but was it really worth living if she was going to be alone.

"No! I'm going to live! I'm…I'm not going to die!" Asuka all but screamed to the heavens above, she wasn't going to die in vain, and she didn't know what the hell Shinji went through but she was going to do her best to keep him alive also.

She checked his pulse, when she noticed the faint heart beat she lifted him up, not all the way mind you, but just enough to make sure she wasn't completely dragging him.

The pilot of Unit 02 took a few steps, and then a few more, testing herself making sure she could carry the boy without falling over. A small number of steps later and Asuka was on her way, every so often speaking to the boy to see if he regained consciousness.

She was sort of glad to be off of that morbid example of a beach anyway, but now that the areas she was walking through wasn't as wide open as the beach she was starting to feel a bit edgy.

___________________________ 

If I Can't Be Yours…

By Chibi Fenrir

Pre-reader: John Brown

Disclaimer: I don't own Neon Genesis Evangelion or the characters, and I don't own the song "_If I Cant Be Your_".

___________________________   

It didn't take long to find an old house, although half of the house was destroyed, it was a few rooms left almost untouched. One of the rooms left standing just happened to be the bedroom in which a girl was doing her best to change the boy bandages, which she made from his own shirt.

She held the cigarette lighter that she found while looking for a place to stay, closer to his chest. It was a large purple spot in the center of his chest; upon closer examination she found that it was several of the purple spots around various places around his body, such as his hands, forearms, and of course it was more on his chest and stomach.

"…What happened to you Shinji?" the red haired whispered into the darkness around her.

Asuka didn't know what happened at all, all she remembered was the light from the 15th's attack and she didn't even try to think of how she ended up on the beach.

As if she was daydreaming, a random thought popped into her mind.

She had never really been this close to the boy before…

"…And I called him a pervert." She laughed at her little joke and started to prepare to look for the stuff they would need to survive.

Before reaching the door, another thought entered her mind, but it was nowhere as pleasant as the one before.

'What if I come back and he isn't here…'

It wasn't like she was depending on him, as a matter of fact it was vice versa, but she needed to know that she wasn't alone…as long as she wasn't by herself.

Asuka shook her head, clearing her mind of the vile thoughts, Shinji would be here when she got back, and she wasn't going to let him die.

"I'll be back…"

And with that she was gone.

~*~*~*~

"Hey Shinji! I got something for you!!" the female ex pilot said aloud as she dropped the bags of food and supplies she carried into the house, or what was left of it to be specific.

Asuka bought the cello into the room, half expecting a nervous thank you to come from the boy. It used to always be like that, before things started to go downhill, she would give the meek pilot of Unit 01 something, and he would always reply with a little smile and a nervous thank you. Only now that she looked back did she noticed she never said your welcome…

She lit one of the candles she just so happened to find in the store she got most of the food from. The small light source shone dim light around the room, almost as quickly as her eyes seen the bed, the candle feel to the old wooden floor and rolled into the trail of dried blood. 

Shinji was gone.

~*~*~*~

She cautiously followed the trail of blood, being extremely careful not to lose sight of it.

Asuka looked up at the boy who was sitting on the beach watching the waves of LCL behave as the ocean. Considering his condition it must have been very painful to take more than three steps and he walked nearly half a mile…

"Shinji…" she whispered causing the boy to slowly turn his head, she discontinued her staring when she seen the way he was holding his eye, and she could still see the blood trickling between his fingers.

Not soon afterwards, she was standing before the pilot. Asuka looked down at the shivering boy, who did bother to try to warm himself. 

He looked like he didn't care anymore…

"I'm sorry Asuka…"

The girl sat on the cold wet sand and turned towards the boy, "For what?" she asked, of course he couldn't be talking about where they was, he couldn't have control over that.

"…This is Hell…"

"Of course it is Shinji!! Look around we are in the middle of~~

"No…this is **Hell**…" Shinji interrupted, the look in his eyes made Asuka's very soul shatter, it was like looking at a person who knew they were going to die, like a women disarming a bomb when she realizes she cut the wrong fuse, and like a boy whom foot got stuck in the railroad tracks.

Shinji tried to stand up only to fall into Asuka's arms, she didn't notice he was crying until his tears ran down the rubbery material of her plug suit into one of the places without covering which just happened to be her elbow in this case.

"…I swear I thought you was dead Asuka…I didn't mean to bring you here…I swear I didn't…" he sobbed still clinging to the confused girl, "I didn't mean to bring you with me…"  

Despite his injures, the girl held the boy close, "Shinji…I…I don't understand…"

After a while the boy regained his composure, but still stayed in Asuka's arms, "…Rei told me to make a choice. I choose for everybody to live, but in turn I had to go to…Hell~

"What in the hell are you talking about?!" Asuka interrupted nearly screaming, she guessed that from the beginning that they…lost to the Angels, but she didn't have any idea what Shinji was talking about, "Explain from the beginning." 

"…After you went into a coma, Nerv was attacked…" The boy took in a breath but winced when the pain came back from the ribs, "They placed you in Unit 02 and put you in the lake in the center of the GeoFront. …When I got out of the cages, the Eva series was already released…" he took time out to rub at the tears building up at the corner of his eye, "…They ripped your Eva apart…it even went berserk at the end…but…"

He turned to Asuka who started him directly in the eye, the staring contest continued till the girl sprung up to her feet and was just inches away from Shinji's face, "My Eva wasn't a monster! It was just a machine! It was just a damn machine!" She couldn't say why, but the fact that her Eva was like…Shinji's made her enraged.

The yellowish blood of the Angels washed upon the shore of the beach, and the wind continued to blow by every so often, but the two pilots stood staring at one another, both waiting for the other to make a move.

"…So this is Hell, I always thought it was flames and screaming, but its just desolate and cold…" Asuka turned towards the boy who was laying face first in the sand.

"Shinji!!"

~*~*~*~

"Shinji, why didn't you just tell me?" she changed the makeshift bandages with the new ones she found at what was left of some drug store, she wasn't a doctor but she learned enough in college to at least take care of the boy…but for how long…

"I…I didn't want to bother you…you been through enough already." The boy meekly replied, Asuka pulled off another bloody cloth and applied the alcohol to make sure the wound didn't get infected.

"It's just the two of us Shinji…and right now you can't take care of yourself…just tell me. Okay? 

It was something about the way she said it, or maybe the smile on her face that made Shinji feel at ease, he never seen her look so…carefree.

"…Shinji I'm sorry…for the way I treated before..." the girl picked up his arm so she could bandage his ribs, "…Its just something that happened in the past that made me…have a sort of barrier around myself…"

He didn't notice she was shaking until he just so happened to take a glance at their conjoined hands, "Asuka its ok…I understand."

She squeezed his hand tighter, "No you don't understand Shinji!! You put up with it for the whole fucking year! Everyone else just ignored me, overlooked me…or just didn't care. Why didn't you act the same way!" the roll of bandaged dropped and fell onto the dusty wooden floor… 

Shinji used most of his energy to sit up and turned towards the girl who was in his opinion almost on the brink of crying, "…Because I do care…"

"Why wont you be with me! Why didn't you try to love me?" the boy laid back on the bed, Asuka climbed on top of the dirty bed and also on top of the boy, who refused to look her in the eye, "…Why…"

"…I never said I loved you Asuka…"

"What is that suppose to mean!"

The boy tried to turn on his side, but the weigh of the girl on top of him stopped him from moving, "…Nothing…"

She grasped his shoulders and shook the boy under her, "Don't tell me that shit! How can you 'care' about me but not love me!! You loved Misato and Rei!"

"…I don't love anybody anymore…" Asuka released the boy shoulders and slowly lifted herself off of the boy. Out of all the times she knew the boy she could never really said she **knew **Shinji, every time she expected him to cry he fought, when she thought he was about stand up for himself he would run, but this was one of the times when she felt like she didn't know anything about him. 

The female pilot walked on the old wooden floor to the candle, the wax ran down the side of the vanilla scented candle onto the broken table, that Asuka managed to fix temporarily. She was sleepy and it seemed her companion was already asleep; Asuka blew out the candle and carefully lay on the side of Shinji.

"…I really did used to hate you Shinji…"

"…You are talking like you are dying…" the boy whispered, alarming the girl who thought he was sleep.

"You said yourself that this is Hell…" she fingered with a strand of her golden red hair that seemed to lose the glow it once held.

"…I don't know, I really don't know if we are alive or not…but I'm sure that this is Hell. Cant you hear the screams of the dead in wind, and it probably rains blood or something. …As long as everybody else had another chance." Shinji laid on his back and looked at the ceiling of the bedroom, for a second he looked at Asuka, who just so happened to be doing the same thing.

For some reason she laughed, she found this situation kind of funny, she was in Hell, yet it wasn't any flames or little red demons running around with tridents, but it was cold and barren, like a frozen desert. And that wasn't even the half of it; she was stuck here with Shinji who will probably be forever tortured because he made the choice of letting people who let him down his whole life live. She had to ask at least one question, just to make her feel good for that one more minute…

"Even for your bastard father?" 

"Y…Yea, he probably wouldn't be so…cold if mother didn't die…" Shinji closed his eye trying to picture Gendo being nice only to fail…rather horribly.

She would have to admit for the first time she felt…awkward speaking to someone she was just screaming a few hours prior, "…Good night Shinji."

"Sweet dreams Asuka…"

It was something about the sincere way he said it that made it sound so familiar…

~*~*~*~

In the darkness of night, as the pilots slept and the stars loomed over what remained of Earth, a figure that seemed to be created from light moved across the sea of LCL.

That figure was an Angel, the first to be exact. 

He was finally free, but to what avail, what havoc could he cause now, where was the heavens he oh wanted to see, the gardens he wanted to live in. 

Adam increased his AT field as far as it could go, dividing the sea LCL, yet all was in vain.

Nothing of worth remained, where was his Eve now…his children…now gone. 

He expanded his field to its greatest extent, the barrier of his heart and mind extended to the sky above and the bedrock below, the clouds were parted by his rage, and the sea exploded, causing the blood of the Angels to fall upon the being like a morbid rain 

He suddenly stopped. What use was it to destroy an already destroyed planet?

Everything he did was in vain, was he suppose to feel 'happy' because he was free, or 'sorrow' at the defeat of his children who tried so hard to save him, but the thoughts felt so alien to him…

Only one option was left…one chance to reclaim the glory he once treasured, one way to honor his fallen children.

The lone Angel walked to dark sphere from which evolved life, the manifestation of Lillth.

He would get his revenge…

~*~*~*~

"That didn't take as long as I thought it would…"

Shinji stood before the he made for a single person, and that person was Rei Ayanami…

The only person who wouldn't be given a new chance at life, besides himself and probably Asuka, in order to release the souls so they could find new bodies to inhabit, the carrier of the souls would have to die.

As the boy stood before the sticks arranged in a way that spelt out her name, he found it so ironic that the warmest smile he ever seen seemed to be plastered across her face just as he stuck in the lance between her eyes.

The greatest sacrifice…wasn't that of life, but that of the soul. The reason the albino pilot of Unit 00 wouldn't get a second chance was simply because she didn't exist anymore…

When Misato died, her body was torn apart, but her soul still lived on…that is why Rei appeared before her. It was the same for everybody else, except for Asuka…

He couldn't figure out why she didn't, and it was for that reason he didn't know if she was dead or not. Shinji for one did see Ayanami the first time he came to the city, which was, to him anyway, a prediction of his death. 

Shinji sighed; the blue haired pilot left more questions than she answered…

The crucified Eva series around the boy only reminded him of the Third Impact.

"Hey Shinji!! I fixed the oven!" For some reason the voice of Asuka lifted his spirits, it was probably due to her cheerful tone held in her voice, but it made him feel…happy, to at least a small extent.

The red head in question emerged from out of the broken house they occupied for the last few days, and she marched up to the boy with a plate of beans and a fork. Although neither of them liked the beans, it was the only thing they could find eatable that wasn't spoil, and besides they had about eight boxes of the stuff…

Shinji picked up the plastic fork and stabbed the beans one by one placing them in his mouth while Asuka did the same, "…I wonder what we will do from now on?" the boy dropped his fork and turned to the girl with the dreamy look on her face, he envied how in a situation such as this, she could have a smile that big.

She gazed at the stars that looked down on the Earth; they stood in space like they were the moon's army each of them different, some of them dimmer than others, while some were brighter than the sun. This was the second time either of them beheld a site so…breathtaking.

Asuka sat the plate on the side of her and laid on the ground and kept staring at the night sky, but Shinji continued to stand, "…I guess will just have to…go on for a long time…"

"…I know we are going to be here forever…"

Shinji put his hands behind his head and looked up, "…You remember that day you were mad because you couldn't find your sync chips?" Asuka slowly nodded her head recalling the day she nearly broke Kensuke's nose because he made fun of her when she had her hair down, "…I hid them from you because you stepped on one of my SDAT tapes."

Both of them laughed out loud, after a while Asuka was the first to come down, "You know that time that jelly where on your headphones and you nearly went deaf from rinsing your ears out? The boy shook his head up and down remembering the way Misato laughed at his ordeal, "I did that and put jelly all over Pen-Pen so you would blame him."

And once again they both laughed, and the night went on exactly like that, one would tell an embarrassing story and at the end both of them would laugh. A few hours later, both of them were both on the bed, which Shinji managed to clean before he made the grave for Ayanami. 

As he lay with his back to the bed, he just happened to notice a hole in the ceiling, and at the same time one that went through the roof. Upon closer inspection, he observed her could see the night sky through the hole. Although the stars weren't visible, he could see clouds, which looked like thin puffs of smoke, slowly pass by in the burgundy sky.

…It made him feel at peace.

"…Hey Shinji…" a quiet voice on the side of him whispered, but it didn't at all rouse him from his tranquil mood, "What were you going to do when you got older…you know after Eva?"

The boy in question turned towards Asuka, who seemed to be closer than before, "…I don't really know…I was just thinking about trying to survive…" he paused gathering his breath and thoughts together, "…I…I probably would have been a artist or something…I'm to stupid to be a lawyer, and I'm not really as good at the cello as I want to be…"

"…Your not stupid…"

Now that did wake him from his calmness.

Of all the people in the world, he never, as a matter of fact never ever expected Asuka Langley Soryu, the one person who called him an idiot on a daily basis, to say those words.

If you didn't count the howling wind, or the often creaking of the bed, it was complete silence.

He sat straight up in the bed and turned wide-eyed to the girl beside him, "…Asuka…" he softly said, when he didn't receive a response he simply assumed she was all ready asleep.

He sighed, rather loudly to be exact, "…Sweet dreams, Asuka…" he pulled the cover over her and then over himself, as he got comfortable he finally closed his weary eyes and prepared to have another one of those nightmare involving…the invasion.

Not long afterwards the only thing that could be heard was soft breathing of the children who shared the bed.

"…Sweet dreams, Shinji…"

______________________________________  

Yes, I am still alive…~_~

This is originally supposed to go to Asuka's Notebook, but I don't think its that good, so depending on the amount of reviews, I'll see if I would turn this chapter and the one that goes along with it to the site, or exchange it with another story that is in the making.

Like you should have noticed above, this is only the first chapter. 

I bet most people want to beat me for not updating Blame yet…^_^

For these past few months I have been writing a story for a contest, to get to the point it's about fics without any Shinji/ Female-pilot parings.

I know how it feels to be waiting for updates…-_-'        

Remember this story depends on reviews.

Once again many thanks to those who read, and many many thanks to those who read and reviewed…^_^

Chibi Fenrir


	2. One More Final

_What of us… what do I say…_

_Are we both from a different world… _

_Cause every breath that I take I breathe it for you…_

_I couldn't face my life without you…_

_And I'm so afraid…  There's nothing to comfort us…_

_What am I… if I can't be yours…_

Thanatos ~ If I Can't Be Yours 

_Dancing…_

_Yes, dancing…_

_I could see him laughing when he fell and I had a smile on my face as I kicked him…_

_I couldn't remember if it was just a memory or a dream…_

_But I looked and felt so happy…_

_It had to a dream._

_Yes, it had to be a dream…_

"Asuka!" Shinji reached out with his good arm stopping the girl from tripping over the loose board on the floor, "What were you thinking! You know there is a crack in the floor right there…you could have hurt yourself." He ended the statement feeling slightly ashamed for pulling her out of daydream while she looked so happy.

The smile on her face almost stopped him from calling out…he just wanted to see that innocent joyful smile on her face just a bit longer…

Asuka looked at the boy's hand that held a firm grip on her wrist preventing her from taking another trip, of course she could overpower the boy because of his condition but…

"Did we ever dance together Shinji?"

It was like this sometimes, she would suddenly remember something then ask him about it, at times she even fully remembered some memories, but just wanted his opinion on them.

Shinji blinked that question catching him off guard a bit, "…The only time we danced together was when we was preparing for the seventh Angel."

Why did she try so hard to remember…Shinji could only question himself not wanting to cause the girl any discomfort…Before 'it' happened she was so cold and alone… 

The pilot of Unit 01 sat back on the bed, his injuries weren't healed and some like his eye would never be completed heal. Taking this moment to get some rest, Shinji rested his head on one of the pillows and started to drift off into another one of his dreamless sleeps…

_____________________________

If I Can't Be Yours:

Final Chapter:

One More Final

_____________________________

The cool days passed by rather quick, but the long bitter cold nights always seemed to last forever…

Shinji long ago guessed that the trauma from the event caused his companion to lose some of her memory, but one thing he didn't know was if she just didn't want to talk about it for his sake of if she just didn't remember the events that took place at all…

He looked at another cloud passed by in the night sky, luckily for his sanity the sky was beginning to return to the way it once was, but one thing that just stuck out was the way that the stars shone as if they were diamonds and he was shinning a flashlight upon them.

"…Is this my fault?"

The young boy questioned himself as the moonlight shined down in its own majestic glory, "What if I made the wrong choice?" he said slowly as he closed his eyes trying to remember the look on Ayanami's face when he rejected her offer to initiate the Third Impact.

"…I should have committed~" Shinji stopped mid sentence trying to think of where that idea came from…

He looked up at the sky once more taking in a breath and releasing it in a soft sigh, "Its too late for that…I can't leave her alone…" the boy whispered almost silently as he could still remember the smiles that seemed to appear on her face more than ever before…

A single drop of rain lead the way for the others behind it as the clouds began to let loose the water they held.     

Strip by strip…

Another one fell…

The thunder boomed as the white lighting started to materialize in the air…

Another wet bandage fell onto the damp sand…

A tear…then another strip fell…

One by one the medical white bandages that a girl took so much time and effort on, now lay on the wet grains of sand.

He now held his hands to his eye, the faint purple-bluish spots were still there but the pain was long gone, he could say the same for most of the spots on his torso, but his arm still felt like it was split in half and broken at the elbow…and he didn't even want to take the gauze off of his eye…

"…She doesn't deserve to be here." He said out loud as the rain continued to drench his hair and clothes. Shinji, despite the falling rain, looked skyward, "She doesn't belong here with me!!"

The thunder once again roared as if it tried to mimic the raw emotion in the boy's cries.

It was always his shortcomings…

He could have beat them…

It was always his weakness…

All he had to do was push her into the LCL…

It was always his…fault…

"…I'm sorry Asuka!!" He yelled as he sprinted off into the stormy night as the clouds gave witness to him running away…

~*~*~*~

_I was running away…_

_I didn't want to think about why he had the smell of her perfume on his clothes…_

_But I couldn't just ignore it and the reason why was too obvious to be overlooked… _

_I just wanted to forget about it…if only for a while…_

_It didn't take long for me to find a way…_

_And that way was him, Shinji, the invincible pilot of Unit 01 who saves us all..._

_I…I kissed him…_

_That was my first kiss…then I realized that I was just using him…like a toy…_

_So I pulled away…I didn't mean for it to happen…_

_I was about to do…something but then I heard the door opening…_

_I…I had to play it off…_

_So I ran to the bathroom and filled my mouth with as much mouthwash as possible…and brushed my teeth as hard as I could…_

_I stayed in the bathroom for over an hour…_

_I just didn't want to see him hurt…_

_That's why I acted like this…not to be arrogant…I just didn't want to be hurt…_

_…But I hurt him so many times…_

_M-my pride wouldn't let me say sorry…_

_So I didn't…_

Asuka sat up in the bed and looked around. She was in the same bed, in the same broke down house and it was still the same place…

Those dreams…or memories…were beginning to make her feel worried…

Shinji told her that is was probably just a case of temporary amnesia and that it was probably caused by all the stress that she went through but…

She wasn't sure if she exactly wanted to remember those 'stressed' moments…

Asuka stretched her arms and threw the thick blankets that covered the bed off of her, "I hope he is making breakfast or something."

The girl hopped off the bed, while slipping on her shoes, and walked to the bathroom. Although they didn't get any hot water because the water heater was broken, it still felt good to take a quick shower before the water became too cold…

As the cold water splashed against her body her mind wandered back to the dream she had…

Asuka grabbed the apple scented shampoo and began to build up a lather in her burgundy hair, "I wouldn't do that to him…I'm not like that." She insisted as the water continued to filter out the showerhead.

But in her mind a single question seemed to lodge itself thoughts refusing to leave…

What if she was like that?

_I hate you Shinji_.

She gasped as the thought disappeared almost as fast as it came to her…

Grabbing something to dry herself with, she turned off the water and prepared to ask Shinji what happened between them.

~*~*~*~

The boy simply walked around what was left of Toyko-3, although it was raining it didn't bother him much…

"Asuka," Shinji said aloud as he looked at what seemed to be endless collapsed buildings, and broken up pavement that covered the land, "Why… why you of all people?"

_If anything… my father is suppose to be in her place_, Shinji thought as the rain continued to soak him drop by drop,_ Or is this just my Hell… making it worse by her presence…_

"But… I like having with me… it's just that I don't want her here." 

His breathing began to grow all the more shallow as he slowed down his pace, "I… don't want to be forgiven. I… want her to hate me… but…" he trailed off as his breath seemed to be caught up in his throat… Sadly, he knew this feeling…

"I think… I love her." He managed to cough out as he slid down the side of what was left of a building.

He was dying….

As his eyelids felt so heavy… he could feel the cold trying to take him… the bitter cold…

Something that lay in that sea of LCL wanted his soul… it was drawing the very essence of his soul towards it…

He was returning to something… but that something wasn't what it once was… that thing that awaited his soul yearned for him. Shinji could feel himself slipping… he was indeed dying… Asuka's first aid wasn't enough to provide the vital care for his wounds… and he himself didn't have the medical knowledge to provide the care he needed and even if he did he didn't have the tools required. 

Is this why he ran away again? To hide this from her… to hide the oncoming death that was bound to happen. Was it the fact that he didn't want to see her cry anymore… and not cause her anymore pain?

For but a brief moment, he was alive… yet he was dead. He existed but didn't exist.

He was both here and there…

A roar interrupted the boy's thoughts and caused Shinji to awake from what could have been his end.

As the boy's soul returned to his body, the monster, which laid at rest at the bottom of the LCL, eyes flashed a bright white before returning to the lifeless black they were…

~*~*~*~

Adam shook in fury as he thought of them as he walked, he would destroy both of them… he would destroy this Hell that he was banished to and completely obliterate anything that stood in his way.

The time was now.

The Angel didn't care if the pathetic Lillims didn't have their machines to fight him, he would completely crush them… especially the boy…

The barrier of the heart… the Absolute Terror field, the Angel would use it to test… the destroyer of Angels. 

This Angel was a mighty foe, although the other Angels could think… Adam was the father…  he knew no fear and but he knew many of things.

And as he marched step by step towards… him, the Angel knew although he was the first… he was also the last. He knew that the Heavens abandoned him, casting him off into this Hell with… them.

~*~*~*~

Shinji gasped as he felt the soft touch on his cheek, "Asuka…"

"You shouldn't walk around like… this Shinji," She paused as she helped him up, "I know you don't want to be trapped up in that little house. I don't want to be trapped there either but if you are going to walk away," Once again she paused searching for the right words and upon finding them she offered a small, but real smile, "Just tell me… I like being with-

"Why?" Shinji cut in… eyes looking towards the ground not being able to look her in the eyes, "Why me of all people Asuka… You could have left me alone, you even could have killed me… I wouldn't have mind if it was you." He said quickly just trying to get to the point.

 "I… I love you Asuka. I don't think I can change that."

"Shinji-

"Let me finish Asuka… I… I want, no I wanted you to be with me. I'm sorry about how I acted… you only wanted to care for me, b-but I tried to run away from you," Shinji looked up at the girl as the rain continued to wet her hair and her clothes as she helped the boy walk towards their 'home', "Why do you forgive me Asuka… why won't you push me away like-

"I won't do it again… I won't push you away Shinji," Asuka said taking her turn to interrupt the boy, "I was to… ignorant to notice that you was there the whole time. If I needed your support you was behind me… if I needed your help you was beside me and if I needed to be protected you was in front of me." She whispered as they slowly came to a stop and while the two of them began to look at each other.

Shinji, who to his credit remained standing on his own power, looked at the girl before him… she wore a simple baby blue sundress she found in the house, her hair was not as lively as it once was, and her soft blue eyes that were once filled with determination now held untold stories of despair and agony… she looked more mature, like an adult who made it through the stress of life yet still carried the burden it caused atop her weary shoulders.

Asuka also looked at Shinji… he was dirty… his shoes and pants had mud on them and his shirt also held some mud stains along with a few pink spots… but it wasn't his appearance that plagued her so… it was his aura…

As he stood there looking her straight in the eye… she could feel his strength. The strength he used to protect the both of them along with the people who once populated Earth, she could feel his care his eyes projected on to her, but most of all she could the longing… 

This was her Shinji… this wasn't the mask of appeasement he wore to impress his father or Misato, it wasn't friendliness he showed to his Rei and Hikari, and it wasn't the fake laughs he shared with his friends…

He watched her as she took a single step towards him… them more until they were mere centimeters apart.

"Shinji… I don't think I know what love is exactly. It might be mistaken for love, it may be a bonding of some sort between people, but I… I can't explain what I feel right now." Asuka touched the side of his face with his hand, "But… I like this feeling Shinji… and I want to share it with you…"

Shinji leaned forward, "And I want to share it with you… because I feel the same way…"

A kiss can be described as many a thing, but to these two people. This kiss was a sign of a relationship… it wasn't meant to evolve into anything and it wasn't lustful in anyway. For one of the two, it was a beginning… a release from the past to begin anew, but to the other it was but a bittersweet prelude to pain.

Shinji had a feeling… it was more like a sixth sense. Something was wrong and he knew that this relationship wouldn't, _No_, he thought quickly, _It will last… it is just that…_

"Shinji… why did you let me hate you?" She asked awaiting his answer as she leaned on his shoulder.

"Because you had the right to… and I didn't want you to take it out on anyone else."

She wiped what could have been a tear out of her eye, "Shinji was you always this nice to me?"

As he was about to answer that question… it appeared…

The Angel stood as tall as an Evangelion… and it looked like one…

Shinji was speechless… he thought K- the seventeenth was the last Angel, but for obvious reasons he didn't want to stay around to find out what trick this one had up it's sleeve.

"S-Shinji… why are you running towards it?!" Asuka asked as Shinji ran with her wrist firmly in his hand.

To put it simply, he didn't know… but he knew it was something in that LCL that was calling him, and running around the Angel would take to long… and he probably wouldn't make it anyway.

"Just… just trust me Asuka." He said as he continued running as fast as he could.

Adam seemed amused by the effort the Lillims were putting up to run… towards him?

Although the Angel has witness many a thing he has never seen one so eager to die, and he will allow them that comfort as he began to expand his AT field.

Now that he could see the hexagon shapes appearing he was sure that he didn't have the time to go around the Angel, "Asuka!" He yelled as he released her wrist, "Run towards the beach! I'm slowing you down…"

And she did… in nearly top physical form, she ran, gracefully Shinji noted, towards the LCL with Shinji faller farther and father behind her…

Adam would savor this moment… the girl may have 'gotten away' for the moment but the boy was his for the taking. 

Revenge… 

Only now has it realized… this was the reason he was cast down into this Hell.

Angels are suppose to pure… even though the others had intent to kill, it all was for the greater good. They were coming for him…  for their father.

But…

He exchanged his purity for revenge… for hate and for that simple fact he was lost in his own vendetta.

As Shinji ran from under the Angel, he didn't have the time to ponder why he didn't crush him, but he did have time to be grateful that he didn't do it. The boy ran till his lungs burned and he continued run any longer, "Asuka," He called out his breathing growing all the more jagged, "Go…t-to the… L-

He trailed off as something burst through the calm surface of the LCL and roared loud enough to part the clouds…

Both the Children and Angel looked on in awe as the purple behemoth also known as Unit 01 reared its head back and roared again. 

Now Adam could clearly see that he wasn't the only Angel trapped in this Hell… she was here to… but why?

It couldn't be revenge, Adam thought as the enraged beast dashed towards him…

As the Evangelion reached the Angel's AT field, it came to complete halt.  Recovering from the shock, Adam expanded his AT field trying to force Unit 01 back…

However.

The purple Evangelion stood its ground and braced itself, the harder the Angel tried to push back the Evangelion, the more strain that was put on its mind.

Shinji and Asuka could only watch from the distance as Unit 01 released its own AT field, and as both collided with each other they tried to cancel one another out.

They were locked in a stalemate… 

From behind the colliding AT fields, both of the giants watched each other… waiting for that mistake that would end it all.

_Something_, Shinji thought as he turned away from the fight and looked towards the LCL, _something is calling me… it wants me to come to it…_

"A… soul," the boy muttered as he turned around, "The soul of the Evangelion… it's gone…"

That what LCL was… the remains of the body after the soul was released… it just so happened that… his mother's soul also left the shell she was in…

The Evangelion freed one of its hands from the Angel's grip, and used it grab its arm and throw it to the ground, the sand quickly raised from the ground and the wind tossed it every which way creating a miniature sandstorm.  

Nevertheless, the boy continued to stand as the sand blew past him as it rode the wind, and even though the dust was heavy in the air… he did not choke nor cough, he simply stood his eyes looking at something far off in the distance, "Asuka," Shinji called out in a shaky tone, "Do you want to know why this is my Hell?"

Adam dodged the punch aimed at his core, and used the momentum of the falling Evangelion to toss it to the side of him.

The girl in question turned towards him at the mention of her name and began shake her head side to side, "I don't want to know that! Why would somebody want to know something like-"

"Because it's important!" 

Asuka was taken back a bit, "T-then if it is so important why are you just now wanting to tell me?" the red head whispered as she turned her attention back at the fight at hand.

"I understand what Ayanami was saying… Look for your self Asuka… look in the LCL."

Annoyed, she walked towards the mass of LCL to see why he was making so much talk about LCL while their lives decided on the fight before them…

She carefully examined the surface and seen nothing but the calm waves and her…

"Reflection." Shinji said as he came to stand beside her as the fight behind them raged on.  

"What is so important about a reflection?" she asked as continued to look at the image of herself in the LCL.

The Evangelion caught the progressive knife that came out of its shoulder compartment and jumped back to its feet ready to engage the enemy once again…

"I-I don't know how to put it exactly… but I'll still try to explain. See, it is not a matter of dying… but it is where your soul is…" 

Asuka nodded as he paused to make sure she understood.

"…My mother's soul was in Unit 01, and look at it now," He said as he pointed towards the purple Evangelion labeled Unit-01, "I-I seen the tapes and… and that isn't how it looks or acts Asuka."

She took this opportunity to look at the monster herself, and he was correct…

The blazing white eyes were now an empty black…

The roar that placed such fear into her… now sounded so hollow…

And one of the most, if not the most, important differences were that Unit 01 wasn't fighting to live… it was fighting to exist. 

"A-Asuka," Shinji again called out bringing the girl back to the present, "I-I'm sorry… about this… I… I think it's my fault you are here…"

Unit 01 rushed the Angel and dug the prog knife deep into its torso and began to pull the handle of the vibrating blade upward to cut the core in half… but the Angel used its last chance to wrap its hands around the throat of the Eva…

She was about to reply until he started to speak again, "I noticed something when I first woke up on this beach… and you was by my side. When I finally got up, I-I noticed I couldn't see myself in the LCL… I thought it was just murky at first. Then I realized that soul is trapped here… I don't even know why, but…"

He paused… his chest was hurting… and eyelids were beginning to feel heavy again…

"But what!?" Asuka screamed as she rushed to his side.

For a brief moment, nothing could be heard in the desolate land… except for the sound of cracking… a familiar sound to both of the pilots…

Adam slowly fell back to the ground, as blood filtered out of the massive cut across the center of his torso…

The Evangelion was the victor… and now it would claim its prize…

Unit 01 leaped into the air and came down with force that it created a tremor that felt like an earthquake…

Asuka lost her balance and began to fall backwards into the LCL… she reached out as Shinji could only stare at her horrified, his body to weak to even stretch out his arm to save her… 

_I don't sleep… don't feel a thing…and my senses have all but gone…_

Can't even cry from the pain…can't shed a tear now… 

_I realize that we're not the same…and it makin' me sad…_

_Cause we can't fulfill our dreams in this life…_

She was falling deeper into the LCL… as if it was taking her away.

Unit 01 motioned to grab Shinji… but the boy, despite his health, quickly rolled to the side. Shinji knew that… that thing was calling him. It was coming for his soul.

Shinji also knew that his running was futile…

Nevertheless, the Evangelion still managed to capture him… and held the boy firmly in its hand. It was too late to cry… or feel sorry for himself now. As a matter of fact, he didn't really care as long as Asuka got to safety…

Adam would have laughed if he could… for he also realized something. He was here because his soul was tainted and that was his fault alone. His wish for revenge was given to him, but now he had to ponder what his quest for revenge was really for…

These children… that never experience even a fraction of the time he spent living… he wanted to destroy them for 'killing' **his** children as they were trying to save the world…

But what he ultimately realized was that… it was also tainted. The very core of its being was penetrated by something… that used it. Thus, it was sent here for its soul was not pure…

Humans, although some were plain sick at heart, others wanted to live… No, they actually lived, unlike himself, they wanted to explore, and they wanted, no they tried to be happy even though in the long run most of them will simply be listed as just another faceless person…

And that is why he was doing this… why should something such as himself and that monster exist… but the boy was different.

His core imploded… for a few seconds all movement from every non-living and living thing ceased. Then the blinding light covered all that could be seen… and the sound of the explosion echoed throughout the universe…

The LCL began to boil and evaporate at speeds of which was never seen before…

The girl who long since feel into the LCL disappeared… her soul released from the pain that this place held…

The Angel, who was in the center of the explosion, simply ceased to be…

The Evangelion, who was so close to having another soul, was destroy cell by cell and atom by atom…

Shinji, however, sailed through the air… the sound of tainted souls whispered into his ear… Would he be trapped here forever… his soul being trapped here to join in the desperate screams of agony that is forever within the sound of the wind… or a part of the nightmares that plague people who are doomed to be trapped here also…

By doing this, Adam only released his own soul… but Shinji was sure that Unit 01 was destroyed… but it would always be a Hell. 

Forgetting the burning pain, Shinji instead though of Asuka, "Thank… you."

And so… the boy soon fell to the ground only to be caught up in the explosion that consumed Adam and Unit 01.

~*~*~*~

"Ah," Asuka quickly set up in her bed… the same dream continued to haunt her almost every night… but more importantly, it was Shinji.

Everyone simply labeled the mass confusion as the Third Impact and moved on with their lives, but she, the sole survivor of NERV, would always be forced to remember.

She had learned a long time ago that being alone didn't mean that you were lonely… but she also learned that you could also be lonely even when surrounded by others. 

Hikari would always try to rouse her from her depressing mood but she only smiled to make her best friend feel better… and life at the university was really fun… it was just she didn't feel like having fun much anymore.

As a matter of fact, life was fun… she could be anything she wanted now. She had her fame already… everyone knew about the pilot that saved the world. Money wasn't a problem.

She signed as laid back down on the bed. Yea… this was exactly what she wanted. She was one of the greatest now, if not the best, but… she was single. Nowadays it was very rare to find woman her age single, even girls younger than her were being married.

"Of all people… it had to be that idiot." She yarned and covered herself back up as she tried to return to sleep.

But she never noticed the presence of something in her room…

_So I must… let us reign free…_

_I can never be what you need…_

If there was a way through the hurt… then I would find it… 

_I'll take the blows… Yes, I would fight it…_

_But this is the one… impossible dream to live…_

"Yea, I love you too," the soul whispered dryly, "…and sweet dreams Asuka…" 

_What if I… _

If I Can't Be Yours… 

Fin

_________________________

Ah, I actually feel like I fail this story a bit, but at least it is finished. _ I was planning to let Shinji live and place him in the real world with Asuka, but I just thought it was better like this.

Yes, with the oncoming summer, I will be able to write more. ^_^

Many thanks for reading, and many many thanks for reviewing. o.o


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